Patience is a virtue

Hello now... Goodbye today... greetings tomorrow
Sitting here anxious...wondering how imma make it to tomorrow. I have no idea what tomorrow hold and it scares me but patience is a virtue. I will wait patiently for God and what he gonna test my faith with. Have me feeling like a criminal always looking over my shoulder waiting for that one thing to go wrong. I don't wanna rush now to say goodbye to today to have to face tomorrow & not have my armor on... You see I'm a warrior I have to wear my protective gear.. ok tomorrow I'm ready to face you now.

T H R I L L S

This road Im heading down is dangerous but what's life without a thrill? I'm down for a thrill...

Seasons&Never changing pasts

Seasons come&go but you never seem to change for the better... Why am i still holding on? We are forever bind by never changing pasts. The stories we were told as children but you know what Fuck your thoughts wherever did mine go people keep asking cuz we seem to think alike I no longer hear my voice anymore.. I’ve faded into a faint blur and I like it… Seasons come&go but you NEVER seem to change for the better. &so the heart beat goes flat ^^_______________________.

Gift

It was given to me.. though at first I didn't know how to accept it.. how to carry it. This gift was certainly different... it wasn't just one thing but many to form one..The gift was the kink in her hair, the shine in her eyes when she smile, her friendship. Always there whenever I needed a friend... her Jamaican accent... her Puerto Rican accent. Her persistence... him always listening.. what more can I ask for? It was like this gift was crafted just for me... Within this gift we're like backbones to each other. I'm thankful for this gift..

Remembering

Its been 15 years since my mother past away. I miss her, I wish I got to know her more but unfortunately I didn't. The more years that passes by, the more I miss her. It was real disrepectful for that lil niqqa to say something about my mom and dad. Feel like 12.9.1995 is being played in front of me all over again. I don't cry for anything but as I write this and remember that saturday morning that she turned to face the wall, never to turn back tears flow from my eyes. I have no heart, dad was half mom was the other half but both were ripped from my chest. It's an empty space in my chest. Remembering them both today well I remember them everyday. Gone but NEVER forgotten.
R.I.P. Mom '95
R.I.P Dad '07

Forever&Maturity

As I lay in this path... the past flows like a stream under me slowly carrying me away. I want that stream to dry up and fade away but it always seems to find its way back to me and get a tight grip. Its not even in a good way but in annoying way. Seriously you're the PAST stay there, I dont want you in this moment well NOT EVER. The moment I said goodbye, I was gone, vanished as I finished the last syllable. Seems like a low-life always hacking people shit. I said to myself I wasnt gonna be mean but you wanna act like a child... According to researchers you're suppose to mature over time [Jean Piaget<- psychologist]. AS you age there comes a level of maturity but seems like you didnt reach maturity yet. As I think about it, I didnt even love you it was just strong liking. Led you to believe that this shit was gonna last forever. Your forever was forever forever but my forever was like a year well a lil less. How you gonna say one thing all lovey dovey [softassniqqa] and then when I walk away from the thing that is was "US" you gonna act like you hard. Here's a lil letter to you...

Dear lil person,
Grow up and treat your mother as the Phenomenal woman she is... Your relationships will never last if you think the woman gotta put up with your childish behavior cuz forreal the door will always be OPEN.. out the door they will vanish like smoke.. lucky you I gave you chances. I was the reality of your dreams but I will become your NIGHTMARE.
Sincerely& Truthfully
The girl that NEVER loved you
So its annoying how my status on aim be changing like a ghost was typing shit. Why check my shit if you say you don't care, seriously MOVE ON 'cause I sure did. INSECURITY dominate you, that was never an issue for me or maybe I simply didn't care. I don't even have a dick but you seem to be on it HARDBODY.
. I'm not even tryna be harsh but baby you asked for this. Pardon my back... Slowly walking away as you fade to NOTHING.

CLOSED.

The door to my heart is shut, but I will keep an open mind. In the process of loving everybody, my heart got tired... for a while love was a burden 'cuz I had to carry you and your package. Brother acting like a model person. Only I know for behind closed doors everything is different. You are a walking portrait. How can the one thing you claim you cherish you act like he doesnt exist when a certain person is around. A brother get mad when I say music is not my dream. I can't live MY life with your dreams... If I do I'm just setting myself up for SELF DESTRUCT. In all this my heart got tired of loving. This heart I have is tired of having to love you and your burdens. The blood that I have pumping in me is slowly fading to black... kinda like how you're fading. You're vanishing like smoke from a chimney. You're slipping from my fingers wait no its the other way around and now I'm falling and theres nothing to fall back upon. From now on the door to my heart is CLOSED well maybe I might keep it closed forever but I will have an open mind.

Thanks

Happy thanksgiving. As this day pass by, I think to myself about all that I'm thankful for. There's so many people that contribute to my being here today and I'm thankful. My heart sing a song, 'cuz when all hope is gone... my heart always have a melody in it.

Todays conversation: The things behind the success of mainstream artists. Its crazy how much people would give for fame and money....There'll be more on this topic later.. right now I can't find the means to write.

Gone

I stare at the empty whole in my heart in the mirror. I look closer I see my heart cry. There are so many things I want to say but the inspiration to write is gone.

Behind the scenes

I stand behind the curtain awaiting my turn to speak. I look right and I look left there's nobody there anymore it's just me. The whispers in the audience got my palm sweating and knees shaking and suddenly my throat becomes dry. The curtains open and the spotlight shine on me and everybody in the audience disappear. It really is just me here. I pace back and forth trying to figure out what I'm going to say. I open my mouth and the audience comes alive and the whispers stop. After all is done, they all stand and clap for they were waiting for me to speak. Behind the scenes all the emotion that I had put in my words disappear for I had to get to reality. Behind the scenes they saw me broke apart and put together again in a matter of seconds... thats how I had to it... behind the scenes. Men are Overrated but not all..

Sweet Nectar

In this dark room as you lay, her Silhouette figure is silently watching you, whispering with her eyes all that she wants to do to your body. You're the sweet nectar on her left thigh. The screams that her body try to hold back but you want to hear... The rough edge you have, though you soothe her body and mind... Though her eyes want you to go slow, her body wants to go fast and to never stop. You're the blues on her right thigh, the beat you got her body dancing to. When its all over she leave you something to keep you mesmerized.

Never had I

Never had I think that since I met you, things would have gone astray. Never had I thought we woulda end up here. I never meant to make you feel like you do now. I apologize from the bottom of my heart... as you know I dont apologize for shit and this I apologize for, because I truly feel like how the last conversation went wrong. Felt like I ripped your heart apart because of something that happened, that brought back pain I hide for so long. Felt like you cut right through the wounds that never healed but were hidden. Never had I.....

Silent Screams 0_o

She looks so peaceful in her sleep but there's a frown upon her face. Silent her screams have become since she began fading into the background of this portrait. She mouth the word help but it falls upon deaf ears, and her presence is not noticed because all have become blind to her. Sinking into this endless pit of what you promised but have become the lies you meant them to be. Look in her eyes, there's so much to see, she doesn't have to speak anymore because her words have become silent. Her eyes speak LOUD and clear though. The pain she try to hide inside is in her eyes, all she endured while holding to your hand though you never noticed. You want me to carry your load while you see me sinking with mine. Silent are my screams but the THUD of the tears never stop. The tears have become the river flowing at your feet keeping you nourished like the tree in the middle of the desert. She will soon desert you, leaving you dry. Going on a trip where the only company she will have is a pen, paper and music... Music will teach her how to love and move on with life. Life is too short to let the silent screams hold you back.

Keeping it moving

It got so dark I cant see anymore. Its whatever though.. Imma forget shit just like you gonna do and keep shit moving. Assuming shit when I write em... arrrrrg whatever yo. Imma really on some next shit... Shoutout to Sin [ Hit one next 15 come running Burrrrrr]... I was so out of my mind for putting with shit I didnt have to. FUCK you. All the shit you said was a fucking lie.

HEAVY load

I'm carrying myself but then you ask me to carry you too. I don't have enough strength for the both of us. My load is already heavy, yet you asking me to take yours too. I'm not capable to take your load and still carry mine without sinking.

Journey

Walking a road with so much lights, my vision is blurred. I'm still walking though, each step is predetermined, so I don't even have to look down as I take each step. A lot of questions are asked, with very few answers. I'm on a journey to somewhere beyond your imagination of me. I am more than your words. I am the REALITY of your DREAMS. This journey is not near an end...& so this continues... Bright lights&dreams

...& so I thought

Its been forever since I wrote my thoughts away...I said awhile back that I was done writing but I guess now my heart was really into what I was saying at that moment& was not ready for the future. I was fighting for something that I thought was going to be forever but I guess it was just a thought. Can't dwell on that no longer, I must move on from what I've said because the pen called my name. There's no more space in my heart for all the words that were floating around my mind. Sitting here listening to Gyptian got me thinking to just go back to the way I used to be, but why when I'm tryna be a better person? Everything seem to go astray after those words said and the actions that were taken...& so I thought things woulda never got to how they are now. I can feel your pain but I carry mine in my eyes, I tucked it away under my heart. Somehow no matter how hard I try to hide my feelings,somebody always see them in my eyes. Though I tried to let things go, they keep resurfacing into my minds, making me wonder what's the next thing you're gonna do? I stand alone on this shore watching the bright lights at the bridge thinking things woulda been better if I didn't start letting the lights fade away. Now there's only one heart beat&I'm not sure whose it is. It used to be your heart beating at the same pace as mine but I guess mine faded...& so I thought things woulda never ever get to where it is now. Imma walk with a slight sag of the shoulders because I know somewhere you'll be without me but with somebody else.

"I'm not from here"

I'm sitting in my house where I really don't want to be right now. I'm contemplating whether I should write what I'm about to write. I've been really fustrated since I came home saturday morning. I don't wanna be here, it's like soon I'm up at school that's when people really give it shit. Funny there's this stupid looking bunny on the fridge that say "How can I miss you if you won't go away." When I'm gone relationships work so much better.That's one reason people can be really good friends until they live together.
You ask me who the fuck I'm talking to? I tell you nobody then you disappear and don't say shit when you do. What the fuck am I suppose to think?I feel like you're trying to get rid of me by asking if I'm trying to get rid of you? Reverse psychology I think it is. I pray I am not a fool for believing in people again. I can't go through the process of closing all out. That's why I write 'cuz I'm tired of people always tryna pull shit on me. What the fuck do you take me for?
As I'm writing this I still contemplate the sentences to follow. Am I living in a state of illusion? I don't know.
I notice I ask a lot of questions but neer get the direct answer to them...or no answer at all. Right now everything fustrates me...seriously I need to spread my fucking wings and fly the fuck away.
People in my kay would never understand.
All I'm trying to do is make a difference so why not cut the rope you people got tied to my feet. Give a sister a lil space to breathe. Due to all the bullshit that occur I write...DOn't take this into meaning.
*This is my means of getting anger out.* I'm not trying to be harsh.

Sleep x__x

Sleep is like alcohol
Its so smooth&provides a sense of euphora
When I wake up tomorrow
I hope I can forget all that happen today
I will focus on the present
Got me on my knees eyes toward the sky praying
When will this day end?
When will I have peace of mind?
Sleep...come be the alcohol that smoothly makes its way to the bloodstream
A sense of euphorism is all I want right now
I want sleep to come erase the happenings of today from my mind
The anger inside
Give me strength to scream
To hold tighter to those I cherish
For I feel like their slipping away slowly
I feel like he is loosening his grip on my hand
Please hold tighter
That I hope sleep doesn't erase from me
I've said enough for tonight and so I must sleep x__x

My tears

I shed tears through my words
I don't let them fall from my eyes but my finger tips
I just won't let them..

Thoughts by the water

I was running with my sister earlier and I looked at the water though oh so nasty in the day time. At night it look quite good, its the way the light reflect on it and the ripple effect from the breeze. We keep walking we had stopped running then and I saw a white bird fly so close to the water yet without touching it and I felt like I can sit here all night and write but I wish Teddy was here to see it and enjoy it too. I miss him. Looking at the water this is what came to mind:

Her spirits floats on the water
Bird flew so close
That it snatched her soul
Her face became faint in my vision
There was a drop of water that came from the sky
It was as if she was crying
Tears I couldn't decipher when blend in with the water
I watch as the bird continues its flight
To the sky unknown to me
It white feathers showed her pureness
Dear mother oh how I wish I can see your face one more time
Hear your tender voice one last time
As the years go by the fainter you become in my memory
With just three pictures I paint your face again in my mind
Your gracefulness never forgotten
Your tender spirit surrounds me so smoothly
Though at times your face gets faint
I paint you with my words
I frame you with my heart
I shield you with my soul
There's only so much I can do
I hold you so dear in my heart
Like you held me when I was a baby
As the years go by your touch no longer lingers
When I look in the mirror your reflection looks at me with so much
love
I embrace your tender eyes in the mirror
Yet I reflect daddy's pain
If only I held tighter

Je me manque maman

The coldest hour of the night

Sleeping tight... thoughts of him lingers on my mind
As I drift away to a place where I can still feel his fingers tracing my body
Leaving a mark on my soul
With just one touch there's so much it does to me
I turn to face the wall
Memories flooding my mind
Pain shudder my heart
As I sleep,I feel a tear roll down my face
It was cold, made me shiver
That's my coldest hour of the night it's like 4 or 5
Not sure what number it is I'm dazed
Feeling the shivers dominating my body
I wrap myself tighter in my blanket
And my mind lingers back to him
I slightly open my eyes
I see his tall lenient figure in the dark
He steps closer to me and lay next to me
His body radiates warmth
He wraps his arms around me
I no longer feel cold
I drift back into a slight "tabula rasa" with only him in mind
I sleep soundly
When I woke up his warmth was there but he wasn't
Yet I still feel his presence
Coldest hour of the night was when I realized that he wa...

Delicate

I'm as delicate as a flower yet I'm as harsh as harsh can be
I look like a butterfly yet sting like a bee
I can be smooth as smooth can be but yet just as rough
I'm delicate but I don't carry myself like I'm breakable
I'm not glass so I don't break
I'm not sugar or salt so I don't melt
Bu who I am is: The delicacy of my mother,The pride of my father... the list goes on... But I am never that flower whom you say have an odor
For you see I have a scent
I tingle your nose with my scent
My scent you quite can't put a word to it
I'm a delicate flower that doesn't wither away so easy

Unspoken

I've set my foot down on the things I want to accomplish
I've shed a lot of tears for all the mountains I've climb
The ones I've lost most dear to my heart...
They are unspoken
But they are written on a tablet in my heart
Forever engraved in my memory
Gone but never forgotten..
Unspoken but yet felt through the words I write of you
I will let the whole world know now that i've gained the courage to speak your name without a tear
Unspoken but yet known...
I love you and no one can ever take your places..
R.I.P Mom and Dad

Illusion

Sitting having a conversation about my writing
When I write I try to disguise as much as possible
See the things is I only want my audience to see what I want them too
That's what most writers do
They want you to figure out what's real and what's not
Writing is a form of illusion to me because you only see what is presented to you nothing more or less
My writing is an illusion
but sometimes read between the lines...
You will discover...

Untitled [I soon will have a title]

I stand on the porch...hands on my face
waiting for his lean figure to appear outta the sun
Sweet summer night we await
Never wanting to depart
for "parting is such sweet sorrow"
As the rain fall my tears blend in
As times goes by though it fly by too fast
I wish I can suspend time
'Cause I'm so mesmerize by your beautiful brown eyes
Look in my eyes and you'll see shooting stars
That only happens when i look at you

Just because

I woke up this morning to Nicki Minaj part in Best I ever had so I already knew who signed on aim
Yesterday was a great day and I cant find enough words to describe the feelings my heart is overwhelmed with
Just because I had a great day I wanted the whole world to know

I hope it doesn't rain today...

I'm my MAXIMUM never your minimum

Got this far but yet you don't appreciate my effort
I put all of my blood out there but yet you never see it flow
it's like you don't even think that we have the same blood running through our vain
You never see eye to eye with me
Its like your mind is stuck on yesterday...
Living still when things used to be so easy
Being carefree... having to worry about anything
Must you do that to yourself...
Woman grow up and be phenomenal
Though you can never be phenomenal to me but to somebody else you can make a difference
Its hard to forgive you
But I'm on a journey to that path though I stray from it time
the hurt and pain always resurface when I try to forget what you did
And move on with what I have now...
Now you got me stuck on yesterday
But today I evolved...
I'm better than yesterday
I know for so long that I'm a maximum
But now I shout it for the whole world to hear
I'M MY MAXIMUM AND NEVER YOUR MINIMUM

In a crowd but all alone

Walking in the midst of warm body, vivid souls
Yet everything around me is moving at a speed I cant describe
I'm in a crowd but yet all alone
Somewhere my eyes set on you and as I walk down this path
On a journey to forgive those who have done me wrong, love those who love me, help those who need help...
Trying to be sociologically mindful here...
All I feel is nothing but warmth with no meaning..
Its like layin on the bed reaching for someone who is no there
Reality sets in and I grab the pillow and whisper your name
I look out the window and whisper sweet things so the wind can carry them to you
I used to feel nothing but now I feel the conture of your body next time
I am not in this journey alone
Its us versus the world
we may lose a couple battles but we will win this war

Am I?

These past 5 weeks, I've grown into someone better than the one I left back home
Back home I left a girl just living each day as if it were her last
It was as if nothing mattered but those that cared
Besides that others feelings didn't matter
I was the girl with a hard shell around her heart
Ready to fight away anybody that tried to take down that shell
Am I your maximum or your minimum?
Why am I asking? When your opinion on that doesn't matter
I strive for the best because of those before me that never got that chance to get where I am today
i have to make a difference in others lives because many people made my journey a lil easier
I was the girl at times that became the shoulders on which you cried but what about me?
Did you ever wonder how I made it through the day or night?
Did my emotions really matter to you or the fact that you wanted to satisfy my desire?
was it because you were absent in my early years?
I would sit and wonder why must you act this way
I look through books but yet find no scientific term to why you do what you do?
Am I all the being that i can be to impact your life and yet still be the girl with the hardshell around her heart
Forever there are those embedded there
R.I.P Mom '95 and Dad '07. Gone but never forgotten

7 Holding Controversial 13

Unlucky #13 have just been named the best number
There are 13 of us who are going to change people's mind about unlucky 13
I one of the 13 sit upon 7 sturdy poles
sturdy poles with experience ,who are wise
Controversial 13 Known as an unlucky number
The day when bad things occur
Don't you think change is here
Obama made change
There's always room to better yourself
13 such an unlucky number
I am part of a changing era
The look in the eyes from those who look down on controversy 13
show that we don't deserve this opportunity
we will make a change
As time fly by
we are class of 2013

Am I asking for much??

I get my papers straight and everything else follows
I smile to show my content of my accomplishment
Yet you try to drag me down and tell me I can't do this&that
I am not a child of whom you have to change from time to time
You don't have to put on a smile to pretend that you want me to succeed
'Cuz in heart you know that you want me to stay in the same spot as you
I'm not asking for much, I'm just asking to loosen up a little bit
& release me from this tight grip you have on me
My brotha I am not asking for much
Why won't you consider my request?
Is it that narrow mind of yours that tell you don't let go?
My brotha I will escape your tight grip
I listen to what you have to say now why won't you listen to me?
I'm not asking for much...

And then there's today

Yesterday was just another day in my life nothing was in my interest except food, sleep and T.L.A.U pero I didn't have a phone available.
Today is like yesterday except I just don't want to be bothered by people and some people are slow and don't understand that
I just want to get away
but then there's today when the whole world is upside down
Just hope tomorrow is better than yesterday&today

Just because...

Just because I stumbled doesn't mean I fell down though I feel like I'm plunging down at full speed. The mistakes made since I recognized right from wrong. My eyes were open taking the innocent out of me and leaving me scarred never to heal from life's rocky journey. Losing the ones we truly care about just because it was their time or somebody cut it short. Even if I held as tight as possible cutting blood circulation on your body, they still slipped from my grip. Wish they were here to see me now and be like any other but just because they are gone but never will they ever be forgotten. The appreciation I have for them though they are gone and those who have them just don't care just because they are there. R.I.P mom '95 & R.I.P dad '07. Forever engraved in my memory.

In Search of ...

This morning when i walked in the train station there were cops stationed by the turnstile waiting and picking random people to search their bags. There were two boys ( they look like they were in junior high) but one was of Spanish decent and the other African American. The cops stopped them and searched their bags. There was a look of hatred in their eyes. Other boys walked by and they were Caucasian and the cops said "good morning" to them. They searching bags for terrorist but who are they searching. I think that when they search the young boys and its kinda giving them lay away to be bad based on their morals because basically the cops are saying silently that they are doing something wrong. If these boys doesn't have the right state of mind they going to fall prey to the categorization of society. In this society people want you to fit in a box , meet their standards, its like we're like clay, molded into what they want us to be. These cops in a search of... WHAT???
Their are annoying because their searching for something that may or may not be there

MSMC

I got in MSMC. SUPER DUPER EXCITED

Freedom of the mind when will I ever?

I'm bound by the thought of never having freedom of the mind.
Late night thinking and staring at the ceiling waiting for someone to say
"You are finally free."
Nations say they are free but its limited
Never limitless.
Freedom of the mind when will I ever?
My brothers and sisters let us free each other of the pride&prejudice.

HOVER PASSENGER

Don't you just hate it when you on the train and a person comes and stand right in front of you
They also look right at you, their silent way of telling you to get up
After school the people coming from work look at you and act tired
Come on I'm tired too. I will NOT give up my seat for a person that had a long day like me UNLESS you're pregnant or old. I said "pregnant" not "FAT".
"FAT" is the lady with the big belly falling over the pants and they appear "pregnant"
The Hover passenger hovers over you to look at the map, the picture behind your head
To get a closer look at you, taking a mental note that if they see you everyday they start thinking they know you
Next thing you know they're going to start waving at you
aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrg
Elders say not to talk to strangers
Hover passengers
I hate when they walk in the train and look at you
Silently telling you to get up....

HUFF&PUFF... BLOW

Imma blow this blow this blow this mother down

HUFF&PUFF

Blow and down you goooooooo.

Conformed or Trained

What I notice is that in our society some people are like dogs_ some are trained to think a certain way and some conform under the pressure of what society consider sociable
Us children of the future I believe are trained like we are dogs
But some of us children conform because we don't want to be trained
It's like the society controls our thinking because the society decides what they consider beautiful, fashionable, normal etc...
Think about it what is the definition of normal?
I don't believe that there are normal people in the world for every individual have a characteristic that is probably considered weird
We of the human kind are very unique
Certain cultures train their people or maybe they tried to rebel against the training that they simply conform to the ways of the society because they see that there is no way they can win
In a sense we are never free because we are slaves to the ways of society
I see how the people in my neighborhood
In them I see trained people
because the way they talk it's like somebody told them their lines
They're like characters in a book
Living their life to the script
You might think to yourself
well is she trained or did she conform?
I was trained then i realized that and change the way i think
Only to take certain things from my trained mind and dispose the rest in a place where it won't seep into anothers mind
to a corrupt a corrupted mind
Corrupted world, corrupted government, corrupted mind
You're either trained or forced to conformto this world's corrupted ways
We're sinking into a pit whose ending is death
When our time come then we are no longer falling into that pit
Trained or conform?
Either way you still fall under the pressure of society.

Dripping heart

My heart drip blue blood when it hit the ground it turns red due to the oxygen
I don't wanna turn back to the way i used to be
I cling to you like a baby to its mother
My heart drip cuz the blood is overflowing
I don't think i wanna ever let you go
Dripping heart I have
Its not sadness but happiness
That got me smiling till my cheeks hurt
I wanna say alot but its like the words are stuck on the tip of my fingers
Not wanting people to read my words to taste my thoughts
I must leave you with a cliffhanger.....

Untitled ( Words for thought)

Its a mystery to live life like you do
to grip
but still slip
Drop on you face and when you get up you're still not new
With your act
next scene
Could have been
The greatest if you had change the script to make
Your act believable but now its too late
You have fallen in a lake
Leaving the cake
With the smiling faces, Bouncy children
If only you could go back then
You would have been able to make a difference
Scrub then rinse
The words that you swallowed to taste the thought
That you bought
From a fool on the market
While he was laying on the carpet
Though he never flew
You knew he blew
That pipe away to get so high
Only to never get to say goodbye
He went so high he got stuck on a thick cloud
Called his stupidity
He was so bound
By a city
Of Foolishness
He was bless
To never come back to a place where you live but can't call a home

No Questions asked juss makin assumptions

Its crazy how you ask no questions
you just make assumptions
Really its crazy
But anyways I wonder sometimes but there aint nothing to wonder about
when i know that you are just protecting me like a shell on a turtle
Keep me warm on the inside
ask me dont just make your assumptions

Lately

School is driving me crazy and college apps