this is what crazy looks like

This is what crazy looks like

I’ve been noticing a lot of things about myself lately, things I’ve always known were there, but I denied their existence and hoped no one saw them.  One thing about me for sure is like I like to prove points even if it’s unhealthy for my sanity. For the love of all good things in life and the lessons that bad things teach me, you’d think that I’d just put my pride aside and follow my heart when it comes to the matters of the heart. Lately I’ve picked myself apart, picked my flaws apart and analyze them and forgot about the little good things. As I’m writing I can’t even list them, but I sure can tell you what’s wrong with me. What’s wrong with me, is that I’m too afraid. Too afraid of the dark, I see all the imaginary shadows that dance on the walls if I stare too long. Too afraid of what I don’t see that I can’t see what’s in front of me.

Too afraid of what I can do, that I don’t do anything but sit and fantasize. For goodness sake, this is what crazy looks like. 

Not only am I too afraid, I too am too busy. Too busy doing too much, too busy doing nothing, too busy wrapped up in myself, my thoughts. Everything sort of passes me but not really, because I see, I just tend to not engage. I’m sort of like a wallflower. For goodness sake, this is what crazy looks like.

I've been ...

I've been in love ... twice
I fall in love with my first love everyday
guess what
I no longer have my other love
I think of my other love ... still
I express my love for my other love using my first love
my first love ... poetry
have never broken my heart
always have been patient
my first love ... poetry
never made me feel like I'm not good enough
never made me feel like my love wasn't good enough
my other love, on other hand that's a different story
I've been in love ... twice
I'm a flawed piece of work, that I know
my first love understands that
I'm growing
I'm molding myself into a better individual
my first love is still here
my other love, well there that's a different story
I've left pieces of me with my first love
I gain better insight of myself from the pieces I left with my first
I'm still giving my first love pieces of me
I left pieces of me with my other love
I lost myself giving pieces of me to my other love
I've realized not everyone know how to care for me


I've only been in love ... twice

everyday is made to love

I know I say this well I write it a lot but I do think way too much
All this thinking
 my mind bursting with thoughts, ideas, you, you, you, you
And still I can't find the words to ever express myself
what the fuck is wrong with me?
no, seriously what the fuck is wrong with me?
I get around you, you, you,you
just you, I get tongue tied
like I don't know what to say
I lose my breath
my mind bursting with thoughts
thoughts that are spilling everywhere .... except spilling out of my mouth to you, you, you, you
you, my beloved
I think ... well you see that's exactly my problem I think entirely too much
I'm trying to find meaning
meaning in between lines
meaning in hearts drawn with your name next to them
I love you
I do, truly and honestly
yet I'm still trying to shy from it because I don't want to end up smothering you
love.in love. love. live in it, live it, everyday is made to love
I wanna glow with love, in love
I want to stand in it, firmly yet ever so gently that it'll handle your heart with such care
I want my heart to be handle with care
fragile
I'm not, I don't look it
fragile
please handle with care
I'm rather difficult to love
please handle with care
everyday is made to love
lets live in it
stand in it
FIRMLY might I add
everyday is made to love

shades of then and now

the sky have many shades
just like you
yesterday you were so transparent
I couldn't be more in love with who you I saw
I know you
you showed me you
then night came
the darkness consumed you
I couldn't comprehend and grasp who you've become
but I forgot
that certain darkness is needed to see the stars

half of me

half of me is stored in between margins
half of me is stored in pictures
the other half is lost in my head
drowning in my thoughts
the thoughts that I keep to myself
the ones that are chewing pieces of me away
I only have the half of me that's between margins to give
I'm still trying to figure out the other half of me
the other half that's lost
bare with me

this is not a love poem

I’m not easy to love

I keep most things to myself

I write a lot

I put you, whoever you are neatly between margins

The margins in my notebook

The invisible margins in the back page of my favorite book

The digital margins in my notes app on my phone

I’m not easy to love

I’m warning you

But I’ll love you with breath, memories, and words

I’ll write about when you make me smile

I’ll write about when you don’t make me smile

I’ll write about when you forget things

I’ll write

It’s what I know

It’s how I breathe

It’s how I survive

I’m not easy to love

I think too much

And say too little

I may not love you the way you want to be loved

But I’ll love you with all of me

I’ll love you with breath, memories, and words

I’ll love you like I love to breathe

Writing is how I breathe

I’ll put you between margins

It’s how I breathe

I want a love

I want extraordinary love
I want a love that's unconditional
I want a love that's genuine
I want a love that stays
I want a love that's real
I want a love that inspire me
I want a love that's not complicated
I don't want a hidden love
I don't want a secret love
I don't want a love that comes and goes
I don't want an ordinary love
I want extraordinary love

end of the road.

You knew
I knew
that it was the end of the road.

I'm not perfect.

I'm not perfect
I know that
You know that, you put it on your agenda to remind me as much as possible too
After all, you're not the only one that remind me every chance possible
I KNOW I'M NOT PERFECT
I've accepted that
but you didn't
I've embrace my flaws
I'm comfortable with my flaws
I work on my flaws, sometimes
I'm too negative sometimes
I have high hopes at times
but then I'm reminded that I'm too flawed
too imperfect
It's your voices whispering in the shadow of my thoughts
I try to ignore them
only for them to get louder
I'm not perfect
I know that
I love that I'm not perfect
I just wish you love me for my imperfect self
you're not perfect either, you know
I just wish that I don't have to mold myself into someone you want
I just wish I don't have to feel like I'm not good enough
I know I'm not perfect
I don't have to be reminded every chance possible

broken.

I get lost, often
my mind wanders places and I lose myself
I drown, often
my wind over flows with thoughts
feeling so small in the midst of a crowd
I lose myself, too often
I don't say much
I think too much
I do too little
that's why I get lost, too often
Cause I'm playing scenarios of how things should go in my mind
but they never play out how I think them
I don't cry often
when I do, it's a chip have been lifted off my shoulders
It's a feelings I like
It's a feeling I don't like, cause I hate to be so emotionally naked
crying makes me feel naked
exposed
I get lost, often
yesterday I got lost
and I drowned while I was trying to find my way back
I've been broken
the broken pieces have been glued together
the scars remain
but the glue is not enough
it was never enough
I don't see the whole picture
I just see the places where it was glued back together
I get lost, often
in the moments that I write, I briefly find myself
that's when I stop drowning

if only

if only we write wrote poems to communicate with each other 

poems that are only meant  for you and I 

poems that keeps the love alive

poems that’d make you laugh and smile when you’re sitting alone

keeping our love sacred

keeping our love alive for when we are gone

poems that you can show your children and your grand children 

when you tell them about your love, our love

poems that highlighted every memory in between the lines 

poems that become became lullabies when you can’t couldn’t sleep

but only a silly girl would believe 

that poems would keep something that’s falling apart together

never forget

How can you forget figi manman’w?

She comes to you in your dreams

She’s the shadow walking with you

How can you forget her face?

She’s your marassa; she’s the one behind the glass in the mirror looking back at you

How can you forget the kaban san matla you slept on?

It’s made from your worn memories

Your papa callused hands

Your manman delicate rough hands

The dark green dress you wore when you were 6* still tucked in the right upper hand corner of the kaban

Sonje tout ti moso sa yo 

Those little pieces that keep you sane on most days

Sometimes yo pa ase

Sometimes you dig the pen in your left arm to watch the blood … to remember that you are one in the same out of the four

Lonely but never alone

For your manman walks with you in the shadows

Look at you through the mirror

For your papa whisper in your ears

Reminding you that you are one in the same out of the four

*

Figi manman’w: your mother’s face

Marassa: twin

Kaban san matla: bed without a mattress

Sonje tout ti moso sa yo: remember all those little pieces

yo pa ase: they are not enough

feeling alone amongst all these people. :( 

why is that?

I love love

I love love.
I can't seem to grasp it fully, ever
can I hold you tight tonight and loosen the grip tomorrow night?
I love love.
I can't seem to willingly just let myself go and embrace it
can it be that my childhood scar'd me that bad, I can't embrace love for all it grandeur?
I love love.
love is not pain ... the bible told me so
not that I read the bible recently
Scared of love ... but I love love
can you teach me to embrace love?
habibti, am I too reserved with myself?
Is there such a thing as being too reserved?
Isn't it being mysterious enough to keep you interested as time wrap us in itself?
can I just be mysterious so there's always something new to learn about me ?
I love love.
can you just hold me sometimes habibti?
do you think about me as much as I think about you habibti?
I love love, but will you teach me to embrace love and to never let it go?

blame game

doubts arise 

love whither; hearts broken

I vowed to never be the victim

I vowed to be the heartbreaker

both feet in but one  slightly out 

I can’t just let it all go 

lose myself 

become one with you

fuck love I’m tired of trying

my heart big but it beat quiet

you tell me you love me 

you told her  you don’t love me

playing on two teams

but what happens when the two teams play each other

where do you stand?

ask questions, there are no answers

fuck love I’m tired of trying

my heart big but it beat quiet 

close my eyes and whisper those two lines to myself

you do your dirt, I do my dirt

it’s a dirty game being played

but let’s play the blame game

I love you

people put up fronts on the internet but in reality a lot of shit eat you inside. Regardless of what happened you just got to keep it moving. Life is too short to be letting others stress you.

stuck

trying to see past my nose 

but I can't see past those

those who cover my eyes

trying to shelter me with lies

It's not right 

that you don't want me to see the light

you say one thing to me 

another to she

torn between decisions and reasons

but this isn't for seasons

only

it's not for when you get lonely

I'm stuck

stuck between decisions and reasons ... that's just my luck

time

I've stayed the longest
Knife cut the deepest
I can't feel it anymore
The darkness engulf me
All thought time heal all wounds
Time just make you suppress the bad memories until something trigger it
Time doesn't heal wounds !

The need to get rich quick is in your system. Illegal smoke exits your lungs and make shapes in the air. Your mind is so clouded but yet behind the clouds you plot on how you're going to do this. How you're gonna get away from here.. you huddle with your friends.. puff puff pass.. friendly thing to get your mind off the money you don't have right now but the bad chick you got by your side. In the back of your mind you're thinking damn is she gonna stay or find another with fat pocket? Eyes are barely open, seeing the world through a slit. You look around and the faces become blurred. Feels like you're going crazy, after all maybe you fit into that small categorized box society placed you in.

It's mentally.

You know what's crazy when you think something and believe it your body start to act different. It's ALL in your mind sometimes but sometimes the "thing" that you think about can scare you for so many reasons... I've laid in my room and stare at the walls and think about what I would do "if" but I came up with no solutions. I just simply saw how everyone would respond... the most important people in my life anyway. The things they would say. I'm one to not value peoples opinions but those that affect my life in a big way. After all you have freedom of speech.

And then My thoughts run in other directions and I forgot what I was about to write.